To preface, I am a Semi-Certified Pseudo-Natural Quasi-Healer, but you can call me Doctor – I purchased my medical degree from the Ballygobackwards Alternative Natual Medical Store.
In this time of lurgy, colds and flu, I recommend the following:
- Never blow your nose. Allow it to drip freely. Children never wipe their noses. They know best. Tissues are evil beings trying to take over the world.
- Every morning before breakfast drink 3 pints of Guinness. Breakfast should consist of a cup of black tea with a shot of whiskey and stale bread. These two will form a natural antibiotic when mixed in the stomach.
- Always wear odd socks. The feet are a common point of attack for nasty germs. Odd socks will confuse them.
- Bathe in a natural infusion of water, poitín (Irish Moonshine – local, regional variants may suffice) and strong, French, smelly cheese. This is a centuries old Mongolian remedy which has, on occasion, been known to work. People will not want to get too close to you and therefore you reduce your contact with germ carriers.
- Always sleep with some fish powder, wrapped in linen, under you pillow. Fish do not catch the cold or the flu.
- Never, ever consult a doctor. They spend all day with sick people, you are more likely to catch something from a doctor than anyone else. Doctors wear white coats to give the impression of cleanliness. This is a clever ruse.
- Always trust old wives’ tales. They did not reach such an advanced age by luck.
 I am not a doctor.